Diet is a four letter Word

So this is me,back at my next to highest weight. Oh the joys of a yoyo dieter. Five years ago I had two surgery's in one year and lost over 50lbs and promised myself that I would never reach the weight I was at pre-surgery. Well five years later, and a bunch of drama brought on by mostly ME,trying to do something for someone who had no where else to turn, loosing my last child to adulthood and having a sever case of empty nest syndrome I have found my self back in an unhealthy place.

Why is it that when as a mom, or a women in general we are so in tune to helping others that we always seem to forget the most important person to take care of....ourselves! Cause lets face it if we aren't healthy and in a good place just how good are we for anyone who needs us.

I never make my new years resolution about diets cause, I just think its a sure way to fail. However;this year, I am making mine about being happier. For me I'm not happy unless I feel good inside and out. Right now I don't feel so good about the outside at all and there are plenty of things on the inside that need a little "re-look" because nine times out of ten when the outside starts looking a little "less then" its usually cause something is a miss on the inside.

Fat, I hate that word. As a kid I was far from fat, but every year at my annual physical good ole Dr.Ross would talk into his little microphone attached to that damn recorder as he examined me. "Today on such and such date I am examining a ____year old "Husky" set female....
HUSKY SET.....H-E-L-L-O What in hell kind of thing is that to say in front of a growing young girl. Where did this guy go to school is what I want to know and who taught him his bedside manor cause I'd like to find the sun of a bitch and kick him in the ass. Those two little words set up my future as a growing teen....HUSKY SET. I was an active girl, all my cousins who I hung out with were male so you had to keep up, as a teenager I spent all my time outside, I was never fat but that damn phrase HUSKY SET stuck in my head for years..... One year he said I was built like a brick house and one year he compared me to a quarter back. HELLO a teenage GIRL doesn't want to be referenced to a brick house or a frigging QUARTER BACK.


I mean seriously...That's me on the left...do you see HUSKY....I mean I know I grew up with a stick for a sister but Husky...I think NOT. Do I sound bitter....ok so I am a little...

And that's when it started

The memberships to "Gloria Stevens" a gym geared to women because as a teenage girl who's been told all her life she was HUSKY SET and compared to a frigging brick wall and a man who plays football the last damn place you want to be is in a gym with a bunch of guys looking at you and judging your looks . Plus it was a safer choice, I didn't take to much crap back then and if a guy was rude to me he was probably going to get his butt kicked by me. I would say all through my high school years I was pretty average in size for the times....

This is me in High School

This is the day I graduated, not the best pic to judge by "Gunny sack" was IN what can I say. That damn dress made me look about three times bigger which at the time was fine with me. I was a bit of a tomboy (Something else I blame Dr. Ross for...tell a girl she looks like a guy for eighteen years of your life you start to think it) I don't think I had worn a dress in years outside of the one prom we had at school a year prior to this photo. Oh wait there was this time if you can count it as a dress.

Me as Lady Mcduff in a school play, they gave me a needle and thread cause I couldn't make knitting look real enough.

Oh lets not forget that humiliating experience every year.....If matters went any worse my mom sent to me to dance lesions from the time I was two right up until I was in high school I think this was the last year I did it. I refused to finish out my teen years having to learn and memorized steps only to put on ridiculous costume which by the way we weren't allowed to wear under clothes under....WTF was that about.... where did these people come from...teenage girls being told SORRY NO BRAS OR PANTIES.... Your a young girl struggling with things growing and bleeding all over the place and they tell you no unclothes cause get this....WE Cant have Panty and bra lines now can we girls. So not only are you out there prancing around in what sometimes was barley nothing....Things are bouncing..... Some of the girls I danced with had brothers and I always wondered why they felt the need to be up front....how boring could this be....then you realize.....PIGS! Yeah.....

As an adult who has struggled with body image your whole life you start to fixate on it, you start to think the issue is way bigger then it really is and by doing so you actually create the problem. The more I thought about how overweight I was the bigger I actually got. I made my self a Fat person just by thinking I was. It's insane what we do to our own bodies just with our mind. I have been to weight watchers I cant count how many times...every time I have had success sometimes little sometimes not so little. I have exercised my butt off, trained myself to run, lift weights, Ive done all the tapes.....Richard Simmons you will always be my favorite exercise guru. Yes I have sweat to the oldies many times. What I have learned through all that is that nothing comes easy....It takes hard work and major commitment to lose weight.
Anyone who says, hay its easy just don't eat junk and move your body....
Lets break this down shall we

Don't eat junk.....
Easy if your a person who was raised on health food. When they give you your first hostess cup cake IT's OVER. Giving up junk food not so easy....

Some of my favorites

The Hostess Cup cake .... Love them, that cream in the middle ...it never gets old
The Reece's Cup ... Who ever came up with putting pb with the chocolate... GENIUS
Peppermint stick Ice Cream it's the closest thing to heaven.

Just move your body

After spending all day on your feet moving freight, or giving massages the last thing on my mind is Oh wait lets go RUN two miles....

OY!

Then I think back to when I lost my last round of pounds and I remember how good I felt and how much energy I had.... I know that when the weight is off I have the energy to run five days a week, to walk 5-6 days a week and circuit train and to eat healthy. I know how easy it is once your in it but it's not so easy getting there. And yeah I'm sorry It was way easier putting on the weight.... I hate that saying well it didn't go on over night....Hello yeah it did...all i had to do was sit down and open my mouth....it takes weeks and weeks to get in shape....

Ok so now I bitched about it....The new year approaches and I'm not getting any younger.... Some day my kids will with any luck give me grandchildren and I would like to be around to be a part of their lives. That is not going to happen if things keep going in the direction they are headed in.
This year I make one Resolution.... Seek Happiness with in myself and do the things I know are going to help me achieve that.

Big Number one....

Take Care Of Thyself. Exercise and feed my body the foods that make it feel better. No diets...Diet is a Four letter word. A negative word and I hate it. Happiness That's my resolution and it starts here. Now, not tomorrow or next week.... now. I promise my self I will be honest with myself. I will forgive myself when I "F" up cause it will happen (those damn hostess cupcakes...that little white curly stuff they put on the top it just screams BUY ME I'm YUMMY)
I will strive to make better choices and I will make it happen. The only one and thing that stands in my way is ME.

Here's to the New Year. Here's to a new day. Here is to a new me.